Rated PG-13 – 2h10

It’s not that I didn’t like the Royal Wedding, it’s just that I needed something to wash the taste of it away and Fast Five is perfect for the job.

Somehow this movie franchise manages to keep itself from going into the ridiculous zone that most movies that hit three sequels go into. Maybe it’s the overdose of steroids injected into nearly every scene. Maybe it’s the muscle cars and the edge of your seat driving. Maybe it’s the ridiculous tough guy dialogue. This form of escapism still works for me.

This time, Dominic (Vin Diesel) and his racing buddy Brian (Paul Walker) find themselves in Rio de Janeiro, assembling a crack team of thieves, anxious for a big payoff in one final heist. Yes, that does sound like Oceans 11. No worries about how they got here. You’re caught up within a minute of the intro credits. There’s a few twists; a pregnant girlfriend, a evil Brazilian power monger and Super FBI bad guy catcher Agent Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) on their tail.

The end credits warn you not to replicate the stunts you see in the movie. That’s good, because I considered jumping my Honda Civic off the side of a moving train, then later dragging a gigantic bank vault attached to a wire behind it. Seems like something I could pull off.

Still, you can’t really pick apart the stunt work. Its one piece of a ridiculous pie that has hot chicks, reckless driving, muscle flexing and automatic weapons on the ingredient list. These are all good things. I’m just happy they pulled it all off with a straight face.

Another part of the reason that these super-charged movies work is because of the honor among thieves. When he’s not flexing his muscles, Dom is the patriarch of his band of bandits and his number one rule is family first. You’d think people willing to rob another person of millions of dollars would be more focused on the money. No, Dom raises his bottle of beer and says money will come and go, but his patched together family is more important.

A technical side note. In my opinion, this is not the fifth Fast and Furious sequel. There are five movies that bear a one form or another of the title: The Fast and the Furious (2001), 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003), The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006), Fast and Furious (2009) and Fast Five (2011).

Tokyo Drift featured neither Vin Diesel or Paul Walker, although Diesel had a cameo. In 2 Fast 2 Furious, Diesel was absent. I say since muscle guys and muscle cars have to go together and since Diesel is the muscle, Drift and 2 Fast don’t count.

Then, calling this movie Fast Five wouldn’t really make sense, but who cares? Just drive the damn car fast.

Sounds like one of the greatest Sci-Fi movies from the 80’s is getting a fifth chapter.

There is a still untitled project called ‘Terminator 5” due for release in 2014 and guess what…Arnold Schwartzenegger says he wants in.  James Cameron, director of the original Terminator says he has no interest in it.

I guess robots never really age, but Arnold is checking in at 63.  Is he gonna be rolling around in a futuristic Rascal Scooter or what?

By the way, nothing really happened last Thursday.  April 21st was supposedly Judgement Day, according to one of the Terminator story timelines.  Nobody seemed to care either.  Does that mean nobody cares about a 5th sequel?

Considering the last two Terminator movies, this one can say Hasta La Vista Baby.

TOP 5 STILL-GREAT LINES FROM 1984’s TERMINATOR:

5. “I’ll be baaaaack.”

4. “There’s a storm coming.”

3. “I came across time for you, Sarah. I love you. I always have.”

2. “You’re terminated, f—–.”

1. “Come with me if you want to live.”

It was like watching Die Hard 88,000 times.

Michael Scott leaves The Office tonight.  If you ask me, the show is losing steam and this should have happened last season.

In any case, it was a good ride (that’s what she said.)  Here’s some of our favorite moments.

Meatloaf will do anything for love.  Pair him up with Jimmy Fallon and watch their hearts pour freely about how pizza on a bagel can be enjoyed at anytime of the day.

For as long as I know you Bagel Bites, you will forever be in my heart.

This guy may be the most excited person in the world when it comes to the royal wedding.
How can this be topped?

Just making sure there’s no discrepancies out there.

Since it seems to be a popular thing to do today, I, 105-1 Charlie FM am also releasing my birth certificate.

(I know….it’s just as dumb as the real story)

I hate to admit it, but I just tried her number and it still works.

That DOES NOT mean you should go ahead and call her.  The number is reserved for Brewers Leftfielder Ryan Braun.

On Friday night’s Brewers game, the queen of all bad ideas came out.  A woman brought a sign to the game that said “Marry Me Ryan” that included her real cell phone number.  You know what happens next.  It got on TV, thousands of called the number and it jammed up her inbox.

After hearing about it Ryan Braun (who has a girlfriend) made a pity call, but couldn’t get through.

Now, this is not necessarily a bad idea.  Braun just inked a five year contract extension worth $105 million, so the guy is set up.

Just a suggestion Ryan…and I’m not sure that Wisconsin allows it, but the Charlie Horse is interested.

All this time we’ve spent together and now I can finally tell you that I’m an undercover cop in the 21 Charlie Street police squad.

We specialize in finding songs you haven’t heard of in a long time, then playing them on the radio.

OK…enough stupidness.  What I meant to say is that it looks like Johnny Depp has signed on to a cameo in the 21 Jump Street movie that’s due out next year.

Not sure if it’s gonna work.  Check out the cast list so far. Ice Cube as Captain Fuller?

Not bad, but where’s Brad Pitt?

Dammit, I waited too long.

It’s been reported that Flavor Flav’s fried chicken restaurant had gone gizzard-up.

Less than four months after opening, Flav’s Fried Chicken, bounced it’s employees checks then pulled the plug on its fryers.

This makes me sad because if there’s anyone I would trust to make good fried chicken, it would be someone who wears a giant clock around his head. You’ll never have overcooked chicken from such a man.

Flav said he had to get out of the business when he went into the restaurant’s fridge on April 2nd and found potato salad that expired on February 28 th.  Again, that clock to check the expiration date would have come in handy.

I’m just saying, if I’m heading to a wedding and there’s no beer on tap, I’m gonna be a bit disappointed.

That is why I am shocked at the decision not to have beer served at the royal wedding reception.

It was reported by the Daily Mirror that there will be wine and champagne served, but no beer. Why? According to the British tabloid newspaper: it’s not an appropriate drink to serve in the presence of The Queen.

Most of the weddings that I have been to, it’s assumed that beer will be at the reception. It’s 95% of the reason for going.

Now, maybe this is just one of those dumb hyped-up stories that the media is making up. Consider the source. The Daily Mirror is a tabloid.

As for the argument that beer is not an appropriate drink for royalty, consider this.

Budweiser = The King Of Beers
Miller High Life = The Champagne of Beers
if not beer…
Royal Crown Cola?

They all seem to fit the royalty theme.

I could understand not wanting Samuel Adams beer at the royal wedding, considering his role in the American Revolution. I’m not sure I can support this wedding if beer is not allowed.