Charlie’s Cousin Adam reviews the 7th installment in the Saw series: Saw 3D.

Rated R – 1h30

My belief that cinema can be art and film can open your eyes to a profound message was not aided by watching Saw 7. In fact I will invoke a quote from Ray Romano who once said, “look how much it takes to bore me.”

The only glimmer of light from this chapter in the Saw series is that they are promoting it as if it were the last one. Don’t be fooled though, that’s just a marketing gimmick.

The movie’s plot is not worthy of discussion because that’s not what we go to see the Saw movies for. We want to see the contraptions that produce heaping mounds of gore, while tearing people from limb to limb. The illogical storylines that filled in the remaining gaps were mind numbing and possibly worthy of asking for a refund.

I also can’t say this is a horror movie. I found nothing that invoked horror. It was gory, but it’s a dull gore that you think of when you see roadkill. It’s gross, but as soon as you pass it by, you don’t give it another thought. The semi-grizzly climax will only serve to confuse and annoy those who doesn’t know the back-story of Saw.

I can say the film was not lacking a host of body parts and guts that somewhat come flying at you with the 3D technology. It’s OK, because you could really careless about the characters, or the pieces of them.

Save your money and spend it on Halloween candy instead. I guarantee, it will be more satisfying.

Confession: I’m not much for scary movies usually.  Frankly, life is scary enough.  This time of year I make a little exception when it comes to scary movies, as long as I can leave the lights on.  To this day, Carrie could be the freakiest for me…because it could happen. Seeing before I entered high school damaged me forever.

Thanks alot Sissy Spacek and pig’s blood.

The Exorcist (1973)

It’s controversial, it’s profane, it puts Satan in the body of a 12 year old girl.  The Linda Blair vomiting scene is one for the history books.

The Shining (1980)

Let Stanley Kubrick adapt a Stephen King novel, and you’re going to get freaky.

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Not being able to look at Anthony Hopkins without being completely terrified means this movie did its job.

Jaws (1975)

This is a classic case of the right music creating the right suspense.  You don’t have to see the great white shark right away to know what the deal is.
Halloween (1978)

Don’t judge a film by its sequels…in this flick you get the gold standard of boogieman, slasher craziness.
Psycho (1960)

Janet Leigh is the epitome of the beautiful blonde horror movie victim and Anthony Perkins’ creepy mama’s boy is dynamic and freaky from the moment you meet him.
Seven (1995) 

An apocalyptic thriller centered around the 7 deadly sins, this gruesome serial killer story pushes the creepy boundary.

Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

Talk about having a hell of a time as a new mom.

Poltergeist (1982)

This suburban California haunted house was a piece of the American dream literally built on a corrupt foundation, a graveyard packed with unsettled spirits.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Turning a childhood bedroom into a murder zone is enough to make any kid not want to go to sleep.

Carrie (1976)

This is freaky because everyone remembers that boy or girl in high school that was a little bit of a “Carrie.”  Be careful who you vote for prom queen kids.

The Omen (1976)

Little Damien is every nanny’s worst nightmare.  Watch out for the kid with the 666 on this scalp.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

The shaky camera movements and overall low production value on this movie makes it actually feel like these people could be real.  Creepy.

Sure, Lady Gaga just hit 1 billion views on her web channel this week, but she doesn’t hold the title of most watched videos of all time.  That belongs to these folks.  Click on their image to watch.

It’s just about Halloween, so for your eerie pleasure, I present my Top 10 Spooky Movies of All Time. I put a lot of thought into this and these are movies solely ranked by how much they made the hairs on my neck stand up straight.

10. Open Water – Two scuba divers left stranded in the ocean only to face a slow death by sharks. I’m already quivering. freaks me out.

9. Låt den Rätte Komma In (Let the Right One In) (2008) – Nevermind the 2010 Americanized remake called “Let Me In.” The original is in Swedish, and is a freaky and sad story about vampires.

8.Rosemary’s Baby - Roman Polanski is creepy enough, but even after it’s 1968 release, this one still holds up. It’s not so much scary things that are happening in this one, but rather how freaky the characters act.

7. Jaws - The sharks again…freaking me out! Watching Robert Shaw slowly slide down the deck of his boat and into the shark’s mouth has damaged me for life.

6. Silence of the Lambs - It puts the lotion in the basket. Also, this movie makes me hungry for fava beans

5. Anything George Romero, but specifically Dawn Of The Dead (1978) – Romero is the king of the living dead. His movies always have a lot of dread and gloom in them. You also get a subtle message about society hidden in each one. Gore + social conscience. Fun!

4. Alien - It may seem like it’s an action movie, but really it’s more of a scare fest. I’m getting indigestion just thinking about it.

3. Misery – Steven King. Ouch, my ankles hurt just thinking about it.

2. Poltergeist – It’s time to sell the house when you slide into your unfinished swimming pool hole and skeletons pop up out of the water. That and having a big skeleton head jump out of your closet. They will certainly bring your property value down.

1. Psycho - Even with all the scary monsters out there, nothing is actually scarier than a real person who is off their rocker.

Here’s something creepy for Halloween. Michael Jackson was just named the Forbes’ Magazine Top Earning Dead Celebrity of 2010.

Here’s something creepier, some people are tossing around the idea of turning Thriller into a full length movie. The original full length video was about 14 minutes long.

According to sources the Thriller movie “has to do with the song’s folklore, involving Vincent Price and the town he grew up in.” It’s an intentionally vague description, but it does seem to suggest that this (fortunately) won’t just be a feature length remake of the video.

The real question is: will they cast Michael Jackson’s zombie as the lead role?

Yeah!  Prince is going back on tour in the US!

Boo…the only tour dates announced are for December in New York and New Jersey.

No worries…they’re just the first few stops and more tour dates will be announced.  Sounds like the NPG (New Power Generation) will be backing him up too.

I guess I shoulda known by the way he parked his car sideways…that more tour stops wouldn’t be out just yet.

According to a new survey, Snickers are the most popular Halloween candy to receive and give away this holiday season. That’s a heaping load of B-S! Everybody knows that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are the true champion of Halloween.

I better check my sources.  This same survey also says that:

“86% of Americans decorate their homes at Halloween.”

and

“Of the pumpkins marketed domestically, 99% of them are used as Jack-o-lanterns at Halloween.”

Now the second fact, simply can’t be true.  What about canned pumpkin pie for Thanskgiving?  Does that just magically appear nowadays?  Do we ship all the canned pumpkin pie mix in from a the far off land of Pumpkinonia?

I would believe that 86% of households with kids might decorate, but the last look down my block at Halloween, there were more dark houses than ones with ghosts in the lawn.

Of course I should take this all with a grain of salt.  The survey also says: There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with “orange” Eminem on 60 Minutes proved me wrong.  Forward to 5:15 in the interview and enjoy the laugh.

It seems as if Brett Favre is nearing the level of complete bizarreness and mockery.

This whole voice mail scandal with a Jets employee is getting a little weird. Whether or not it’s all true, it certainly is making him an easy target for jokes.

Take for example Saturday Night Live from this weekend.  It’s making me laugh.

Fresh off the presses today, Cousin Eddie says he wants to stay in the Great White North.

Randy Quaid is a strange character these days.  He has a semi-reputable career in the movie industry, but since 2009, he’s been acting like a crack head who’s drinking too much Red Bull.  He’s been charged with skipping on his hotel bill, squatting and most recently missing court dates.  Is this really helping his career?

Randy and wife Evi Quaid were arrested last Wednesday in Vancouver after police discovered that the couple are wanted on outstanding warrants in the U.S. for missing court dates. During their immigration hearing they asked to seek asylum in Canada so that they can escape what they call the “Hollywood star whackers” who they believe murdered both David Carradine and Heath Ledger.

Randy Quaid says he did not go to Canada to escape the warrants, but to restart his career. During the hearing, he said: “I love Canada. It’s been a very welcoming nation to me. I would not do anything to besmirch my reputation.” They are being held on $500K bail.

Besmirch or not, here’s some of Cousin Eddie’s greatest hits: